The Wages of Sin

Yesterday Sasquan, the 2015 Worldcon, announced that they now have 9,000 members. Fannish mathematics thus makes it the first billion dollar Worldcon1.

On the back of this unexpected windfall the Commie Pinko Faggot Feminazi Cabal that controls Worldcon via Tor Books has announced the 10-year, $3.4 million deal for its primary gamma rabbit author, John Scalzi.

John Scalzi
John Scalzi (author photo by Kyle Cassidy)

Scalzi’s editor at Tor, Patrick Nielsen Hayden, explained the rationale behind this move. “It was a tough decision,” he said, especially as none of Scalzi’s books have sold more than a dozen or so copies, mostly to his friends and family. The convention revenue simply doesn’t cover the shortfall.”

Patrick Nielsen Hayden
Patrick Nielsen Hayden

“Fortunately,” continued Nielsen Hayden, “we are holding Brad Torgersen and Larry Correia in the dungeons of the Flatiron Building. The price of man tears is currently very favorable, thanks in part to the infamous bath at this year’s Wiscon. We believe that we will achieve sufficient production to more than cover the cost of Scalzi’s contract.”

Man Tears Bath
Wiscon members bathe in man tears

Industry commentator, Cheryl Morgan, questioned the level of remuneration that Scalzi is receiving. “As I understand it,” she said, “the contract guarantees that Scalzi will win the Best Novel Hugo for all of the next ten years. As everyone knows, winning a Hugo is a very lucrative proposition, but the contract stipulates that 80% of such revenue will go to Tor. I only won a few fan Hugos and I was able to buy myself a small cottage in the Welsh mountains from the proceeds. Best Novel is worth a lot more and I think Scalzi is being cheated. I hope that SFWA will look into this.”

Cheryl Morgan's Welsh Holiday Home
Cheryl Morgan’s Welsh Holiday Home

Scalzi, whose libertine lifestyle and Coke Zero addiction are legendary, has responded to the news by selling his wife and daughter into slavery.

Krissy and Athena Scalzi
Krissy and Athena Scalzi

1. The rules of fannish mathematics require that several zeros be added to the end of all convention income figures, and all costs be assumed to be zero.

15 thoughts on “The Wages of Sin

  1. That’s a modest little vacation home, that. 🙂

    I also see why I can’t go to Wiscon…I’d probably be asked to help fill the pool!

  2. I had no idea Scalzi was so cute! Tell him to hop on over to my place and I’ll give him lots of snuggles!

  3. Brilliant. A rather silly type of essay, but rescued from ignominy by perfectly-chosen imagery (both the illustrations and numerous clever turns of phrase.

    That, and the fact that it centers on making fun of the Whining Infants or whatever degrading name it is they chose for themselves.

  4. You deserve a Peabody for your fearless investigative journalism. *muffled snickering*

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