Dramatis Personae

Barmy Cats

The character of Barmy owes a certain amount to the legendary Maxwell Smart of Get Smart. He’s keen and likeable, but prone to disasters. I also wanted him to sound a bit like a hillbilly, but I’m not a good enough writer to carry it off convincingly throughout.

Mr. White

My memory of Get Smart is not sufficient to base Barmy’s boss, Chief, from that series, so Mr. White came out owing a lot to J. Jonah Jameson. He never talks when he can shout, and everything he says ends in at least one exclamation point. He despairs of Barmy ever getting anything right, but knows he hasn’t got anyone better.


CORPSE Fandom’s chief technologist, unashamedly based on Q from the James Bond stories. His greatest invention to date is the Pocket Hectograph, a magic device disguised as an iPhone that can produce the ideal fanzine that the person using it wants to read.


Christina Maria Elvira California Garcia Hernandez De San José, a sultry Hispanic temptress. Chris is the only member of CORPSE fandom who is under 90 years of age, and the only one (except possibly V, who never reveals his secrets) who knows how to use computers more modern than a Difference Engine. This character was born from a silly rumor we heard that some British fans had voted for Chris Garcia for TAFF because they thought that “Chris” was a girl.


These fans are the epitome of greed and avarice. They like nothing more than victimizing neo-fans, and making money. Except possibly cream cakes and donuts, which they eat in vast quantities. Consequently they are all gravitationally challenged and have to move around in motorized scooters.

Old Ben

I briefly considered having a character called Obi Ben Yalobi, but I needed him to be a fan of Star Trek, not Star Wars, and anyway he’s a major villain, so he ended up mainly Blofeld with perhaps a dash of Gandalf.


Blofeld has a wimpy Persian cat. Old Ben has a large and vicious bulldog, which is much better for achieving world domination.

General Robert

No one has ever seen the mysterious head of the WSFS Secret Police, but all of WSFS business is conducted according to the draconian precepts of Robert’s Rules of Order. General Robert’s orders are carried out by his minion, Captain Standlee.

Captain Standlee

A ridiculous buffoon with an eye for pretty girls, especially if they have abnormally large eyes, big boobies and short skirts. Standlee is rightly feared for only one thing, his absolute mastery of the hideous torture called Parliamentary Practice.


A femme fatale, because every spy story has to have one.

Bitch Morgan

The true villain of the piece. Also known as The Wicked Witch of the WSFS, Morgan the Gorgon and The Ugliest Woman in Fandom, she is a thoroughly nasty piece of work. You are expected to boo every time she appears.


A Demon Prince, one of the Twelve Lord of Hell. He is feared for his Silver Tongue, and for his monstrous servants, the Flame Waughs. Just one of these creatures, if unleashed, can destroy an unsuspecting fan’s blog in minutes.

Twll Ddu

A cunning Welshman.


Twll Ddu’s loyal assistant.

Any resemblance of these characters to actual persons, living or dead, is purely a function of the paranoid fantasies of the reader.