Dear Kevin, 20 years ago today the Goddess gave you a cat for your 30th birthday. Unusually for a cat, she has stuck around, though she has wandered a long way from home. Thank goodness the Internet is the natural habitat of felines.

I’m very sorry I am not there to look cute and cuddly for you. However, I can at least assure you that there is life after 50.

Feed me tuna now?