The `All Chit-Chat, No News' Newsletter They Could Not Kill! • Chris Cooper reports: `You want something about Caroline Mullán's shoes? SHE LEFT THEM IN MY ROOM!' • Mark Young, examining hideous wound on elbow: `That must have happened when Tim & Cathy got me on the floor.' • Martin Hoare went to bed around 0500, chased by ringing croaks of `Fakefan!' • The Games Room told us: `We are trufandom. You pathetic bed-goers make us spit! Games fans never go to bed at all!' • John Dallman impinges: `Those making it to breakfast the hard way included Rhodri James, Sue Edwards, John Dallman, Ceri Pritchard and Strathclyde University SF Society. Someone tried to sell us all of Fantasy Centre, Holloway Rd, London, at about 0400, but the weather was otherwise settled.' • `Thog the Mighty ask, What this "subtle dermotization" bullshit?' • David V.Barrett cried through mouthfuls of breakfast, `I found it ironic that we had all this trouble about no-smoking rooms when I never actually saw any no-smoking signs ... the non-smoking committee just assumed we would Know.' • Chris Bell, 0200: `Argh wibble frod bleep spung plane at 0830 wibble wibble OUT OF MY WAY, LANGFORD gibber gibber WHOOSH....' • Dave Langford: `Sometimes I feel like the subject of an H.M.Bateman cartoon with waves of scandalized horror radiating out from me and the caption THE HELICON MEMBER WHO SAID "ACTUALLY I DON'T MUCH LIKE CHOCOLATE"....' • Whether Tim Illingworth had actually finished his 100th Convention Present, a 5kg cholesterol bomb, by breakfast is uncertain: reliable liars reported suspicious munching and slobbering from his room.... • Chris Suslowicz: `More Heliographs! More! I want to do more!' • Martin Easterbrook: `Now if you wrote a column in every one of the Intersection PRs, they would become collectors' items and no US fan could bear to be without them! Also I can offer you an amazing bargain price on Waterloo Bridge....' • `Thog the Mighty say, why Thog not have own typeface? Ah, that better.' • Did we ever run the exciting news item `Saku's balls have now been returned to him?' • Peter Weston, watching fans acrobatically rupture themselves at his imperious behest: `My old troublemaking skills have not deserted me. All this suffering, caused by just two Guinness cans.' • New Secure Store Rules, evolved during Helicon: PUSH DOOR NEARLY CLOSED. NEVER TELL ANYONE WHAT YOU'VE TAKEN -- IT ONLY CONFUSES US. COMBINATION IS WRITTEN ON WALL NEXT TO DOOR IN UNOBTRUSIVE DAY-GLO MARKER.... • Chris O'Shea's Corollary: `The secure store isn't, Ops doesn't and the newsletter hasn't.' • Pathetic Whimper at Gopher Party, as brick-thick wads of blue tickets are contemplated: `Oh God, but I don't want another drink....' • John Richards, generously, to newsroom slave: `You can keep working until the hotel says Get Out....' • `Thog the Mighty say, Sod This For A Lark.'