Masters of the Universe

GUESS M.WHO? Which famous Scots sf author was seen to get under the carpet in the bar and crawl resistlessly around beneath it? Tact forbids....

HUG HORROR! David V.Barrett to tactile-overadvantaged fans: `But you didn't hug Malcolm Edwards as he went past!' Chris Bell: `Who's Malcolm Edwards?'

ROG & ARLINE PEYTON go to bed at the same time (0030)! `Well, I'm just knackered,' said the doyen of dealers and foremost among fakefans....

THE INDEPENDENT's article on Helicon today catches the subtle, elusive flavour of fandom: `Otherwise it is unclear who these people are. They could be someone's neighbour or relative....' Trenchant stuff, all written in the present tense.

PETER WESTON says: `She went to bed at 0300! Who's the fakefan now?' A noted campanologist adds: `False! Weston went smugly to bed shortly after. At 0700 I saw the last trufans -- four Finns, a Dutchman and Barry Traish hitting each other with a plastic inflatable hammer that SQUEAKED. Yeek! I don't want to be a trufan....' We hear the filking ceased by 0300 -- Chorus: `Fake Filk Fans!'.

JOAN PATERSON, as she tottered sweating from the disco: `I'd say I'm getting too old for this, except Kathy's mum is still bopping in there....'

CAN SUCH THINGS BE? Tim Illingworth is rumoured to be changing his name by deed poll to Bridget Wilkinson.

The (Almost) Final Programme

NEW ITEM: Vampire in the Dark (1400-1700 Golden), a Silly Game. `If you want to wander round with eyes closed groping other people, this was made for you!'

TONIGHT'S FILMS: Frankenstein: the True Story and Young Einstein (`not Young Frankenstein and Einstein: the True Story as Tech said' -- nor indeed Frankenstine [etc etc] as our informant said).

The Glamour: Chris Priest's own dramatization of his famously remaindered book is The Monday Play on Radio 4 tonight (1945).

Forgotten Futures RPG: Marcus Rowland's demo game/playtest is at 2000 (Games Room, after auction). He hints that something very special from the chocolate shop will be featured....

God Told Me To

SMASHING SALE! Helicon goblets now available at £3.50 each, £12 for four. We presume they're somewhere in the dealer's room -- help save Tim Illingworth's wallet for the nation....

CHRIS BELL RUNS OUT OF STAMPS: collect your Sou'Wester PRs from the con table in the Dealers' Room, she pleads.

FREE PLUG. If you were the person who borrowed from Ops a 13amp 2-pin adaptor to recharge their Mac, please return it to Clare (Head of Tech) at Ops AT ONCE.

EASTERCON AWARDS: Long Text: Geoff Ryman, Was.... Artwork: Jim Burns, cover for Kaeti on Tour (Roberts). Dramatic Presentation: Armageddon Enterprises, Illumination fireworks. Short Text: Dave Langford, Heliograph Ansible.

DOC WEIR AWARD: Bridget Wilkinson.

ESFS AWARDS WINNERS. Hall of Fame ... Author: Iain Banks (UK). Artist Jim Burns (UK). Magazine: Anticipatia (Romania). Promoter Larry van der Putte (Netherlands). Publisher: Phantom Press International (Poland) • Spirit of Dedication Awards (fan) ... Artwork on Display: Gilles Francescano (France). Fanzine on Display: BEM (Spain). • Encouragement Awards (new authors/artists) Sue Thomas (UK), Fons Boelanders (Belgium), Radoslaw Dylis (Poland), Josef Zarnay (Slovakia), Vasily Zvyagintsev (Russia), Ludmilla Kozinets (Ukraine), Alexandru Ungureanu (Romania), Cato Sture (Norway), G.Nagy Pal (Hungary), Paolo Brera (Italy), Paco Roca (Spain), Jean Pierre Planque (France), Shörly Zümmistäk (Ruritania). • `Most Friendly Alien' Awards (`EuroDocWeirs'): Piotr W.Cholewa (Poland), Piotr `Raku' Rak (Poland). [That enough awards -- Thog.]

CONGRATS. I've never been to a British SF Con before, and would like to say how professional and well organized it was, eshpeshially the acuracy of the nowslitter. Special greetings to the Security staff. Larry W.Roeder Jr, LitSearch.

FOOD: Peter T.Garratt recommends the Imperial Restaurant (Cantonese and Peking Cuisine), 15 The Parade, tel 66388. (`I can't tell you exactly where that is because I was lost and had to get a taxi back to the hotel.') Peter also discovered that if you plead very lengthily and deeply sincerely you can get brown toast at breakfast!

NINA WATSON would like to point out that she's not a typo. Neither is Caroline Mullþn.

šBER ALLES: After frenzied pleas for people to finish the beer (Fakefans!) the SFCD party was declared a success. The Regional Gruppe G.B. would like to thank all those concerned.

THE MOUSE THAT ROARS: NESFA, shortly after the Sheraton hotel deal broke down, contacted Uncle Kees asking him to bid for Holland in '98. Kees will pay again! And again. And again.

JOHN HAROLD, hot supporter of the Ireland in 2001 1/2 Worldcon bid, has volunteered as Security chief. Genghis Khan will be his deputy.

Channel's Destiny

OVERHEARD. At the Banquet, Jan Howard Finder confronted chicken terrine ... `I didn't reach the top of the food chain to eat tofu!' • `Bridget Wilkinson has legs!' • `They seem to get larger when you put them in dinner jackets.' • `It's a good way to end a meal ... very relaxing.' `Yes -- but better in leather.' • `Robert Sachs is Ben Yalow's Evil Twin.' • `You mean I'm -- wow! -- a CROSS REFERENCE in the SF Encyclopaedia?' • `Somebody's singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow".' `Must be Chris Bell.' • `Are you claiming to be nubile?' • `Someone bit me last night and I don't know whom....' (see Illumination newsletters, passim). • Instructor explaining the Alison Scott juggling technique: `Well, you hit yourself on the head like this....' • `They're like the Glasgow mugs that've been around.' `Yes, sort of stoneware with blue trimming.' `Oh! I thought you meant Ian Sorensen.'

12 APRIL BIRTHDAYS. Derek Barns 1961 (mentioned by special request of `friends'), Carol Emshwiller 1921, the cubic (soon to be perfect) Alasdair Hepburn, Emil Petaja 1915, Marion `thirtysomething' Pitman. Vostok 1 launched: first manned space flight with Yuri Gagarin 1961. Space Shuttle STS-1 launched 1981. `Every day my birthday' -- Thog the Mighty.

NUMEROLOGY. Following extensive testing in 1007 this morning. "The Answer" has been recalculated and is not 42 but 56. Contact 5.0x10-1r Cruttenden for more details.

EASTERCON MEMORIES: Barry Bayley `was at an Eastercon once ... as soon as I arrived I was shoved in front of local radio people who'd asked to talk to "an author". They didn't seem to want to be there. They started the tape recorder and began with such a twittish question -- which my memory does not retain -- that I could only stare blankly and mutter "It's science fiction, innit?" Well, it was not yet 1100 and I had only just grabbed my first pint. Then I had an inspiration: "Look, go and see if you can find John Brunner." I believe he performed admirably....'

BETTER THAN `HOW MANY?' Michelle Hodgson, on being informed that a member of the bar staff had traded a night with her for a dish of olives: `Which one?'

LEWIS P.BEAR complains formally about the anti-bear and bearist artworks in the Art Show. Arnold Schwarzenbear ... [aw, go to bed -- Ed.]

SPLASH! Whose toddlers, observed in the pool, were riding their parents' shoulders and yelling `Faster! Faster!'? Answers to Lynne Ann Morse....

ON THE HIGH SEAS: Which pirate king, unable to cope with the traditional Robert Newton impression, decided W.C.Fields would do just as well? (Have a drink, my little buccaneeeerr...)

CUTERY RULES -- OK? Hobbes's overwhelming advantages, in my view, were (a) furriness and (b) making no speeches. It was a noble victory for taciturnity. Marion Pitman, Psephologist

PUFFED UP WITH HIS OWN FAILURE? Following Sunday's election results, Tim Illingworth is learning to curry favour by crawling along tables and falling off.

FIVE YEARS AGO at FollyCon, Peter Nicholls gave a speech in which he predicted that there would never be a second edition of the Encyclopaedia....

VOX POP, in Heliograph Hellhole: `Gosh, I'm still a "young name"!' • `That's funny -- my computer always fucks up like that.' • `You do realize that in 10 years' time everyone will say I nicked Thog from Heliograph to use in my books?' • `That after-dinner speech was awful, even by Langford's standaaaarrrghs!' (Amanda Baker ... RIP) • `If I turn the Gestetner up to full speed I can make it to the Banq ... oh dear.' • `What's going on next door?' `It's a toilet.' • `Come on, I spelt "Fields" right.' (A.Stewart -- he had!) • `If Ellison's going to piss on Chris Priest's grave, won't he have to bring a box to stand on?' • `Would you like to go and get yourself some sweets, little girl?' • `That's not porridge -- why does it have jam in it?' • `I have seen the future, and it's Finnish.' • `I transmogrify as a wanton sin.' • `Come on, Peter. When you start saying "in our day" we know it's time to go.' • `It's much easier in deeper water...' • `You bastards, there's too much news -- I was going to reprint my speech....'

Heliograph 8, 12/4/93. Diagnostician: Dave Langford. Senior Physicians: John Dallman, Chris Suslowicz. Monitor Corps: John Grant. GLNO: Mike Scott. FOKT: Alison Scott. DBDG: Alex Stewart. TLTU: Chris Bell. FGLI: Chris O'Shea. PVSJ: Carol. Unclassifiable exotics: Tim Illingworth and The Dripping Informant.